Okay, chemo REALLY starts tomorrow this time

Or maybe not.

Lindsey woke up and immediately started throwing up. She threw up every half hour till about noon. I couldn't feel a fever so I didn't give her any meds. But she wanted her milk sippy cup so bad all the time but she kept throwing it up. Nothing stayed down. So I panicked and called my dh. Part of me is feeling rotten because my baby is sick and then the other selfish part of me is worried that I will get sick and not do the chemo tomorrow. But somehow I was able to get Jason to come home from work and help me take care of her. I don't know how, but as soon as he said he was coming home, Lindsey stopped throwing up. She had been crying for Daddy all morning long and would drift in and out of sleep. Once he showed up, she would still sleep now and then for a few minutes but didn't throw up again. She's been drinking all day and had a couple of good wet diapers and one very painful bm. So painful that she was screaming in pain with tears running down her face. I wanted to cry for her. I HATE seeing my babies in pain.

So taking care of Lindsey distracted me to a point today so that I didn't think every single second of starting chemo tomorrow. But I'm trying to get as much info as possible on what to expect and it feels like I'm trying to grab onto fog. You know it's there, you can see it, but you can't make sense of it. I know what to expect, what I've been told, etc., but until you've actually been through it, I don't think you can really get a clue on what it's going to be like.

Since I wasn't able to do my chemo on Tuesday, I had to schedule it tomorrow with my saline fill in the afternoon. Not the best choice and I'm scared about how I will handle everything. I am freaked out about throwing up and hope that I don't get naseated. Then being in extreme pain from the saline fill even though I'm handling it better and better. To make matters perfect, it's my time of the month to start tonight!!! Do I know how to plan things or what? Let's see if we can make Heidi's day as awful as possible. DING!!!! We did it!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!

But think good thoughts for me. Pray that I don't get sick to my stomach. Pray that I won't cry like a baby at any time or will embarrass myself. Pray that I can handle the pain and be okay with everything going on. I'm just so scared.