Met a new doctor yesterday

I met Dr Schneider yesterday. He's my radiation oncologist. As soon as he said hello I felt instantly comfortable. His nurse came in to talk to me first about radiation and all it entails. She gave me her card and said to call her any time which made me feel better. When the doctor came in, it made me wonder if he was old enough to be a doctor. He looked really young and just didn't seem like a doctor type.

I didn't want to be there in the first place because I was so sure I wouldn't be having radiation. I took one doctor's words as gospel and assumed that I wouldn't have to deal with it. But like everything that has gone on before, it wasn't true. I will be having radiation and it will start one month after the chemo ends. I was really shook up over it but trying not to show it. Then he started talking about possibly dealing with deflating or taking out my tissue expander and I totally panicked and started to cry. The pain from having saline put in is incredible and I can't go through having to do that all over again. He promised me that in 15 years, he's never had to remove an expander, just deflate it. So I think I can deal with that and hopefully it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be.

Chemo starts next Tuesday. I met with the research nurse Becky on Monday or Tuesday and she informed me of what they want to do. She was just incredible. Very understanding and kind and wonderful with me when I was having an emotional moment. I knew chemo would start, but actually having a starting date and time is a little scary. I've had everything described to me so that I know what to expect so I'm not as nervous as I was before even though I'm still scared. The actual process doesn't sound so bad, but dealing with the aftermath is what I'm worried about.

I'm a very private person normally and now my ward is stepping up and trying to help out. They want to get people to help with the girls, drive me to appointments and help out in other ways. I'm so shy and private that I almost would rather be in pain and do it quietly than reach out and ask for help. I would feel so awkward and shy if someone came to be here while I took a nap and watched the girls. Or was trying to help me while I sat on my rear end no matter what type of pain I was in. That's another thing. I love the family that is setting up to help me. Just absolutely adore them and love everything about them. But the kids are coming to help me and it's just plain hard! I taught two of them in my Sunday School class and for them to see me in pain and kind of helpless is hard for me to handle because it breaks the teacher/student relationship that I had in my mind and embarrasses me. I just want to bawl to think of grossing them out or not look like I do on Sundays. That's so hard to explain and I don't want them to not help me, I just want them to know it's so hard on a very shy person when that boundry is crossed. At least in my mind. Besides, accepting help is so hard because I have absolutely nothing to give in return. In my mind, I just can't do that. So one more thing to learn and deal with.

I'm kind of scared of going to church once my hair falls out. How are people going to treat me? Will they treat me different or not notice or make jokes to try to make things easier for everyone? Will I even feel well enough to do it? Or will I cower at home like a coward? I just hope that I can find the right scarf or hat to wear that will look good for church.

I'm not even going to think about my job right now. If I could quit and we could afford the money, I would do it in a heartbeat. No matter how much Jason helps me, I worry constantly about everything I've done and should have done and haven't done. I don't have the strength to deal with everything anymore or the emotions.