I'm plain wiped out

Have you ever been so emotionally exhausted that all you feel you can do is cry? This has been a weird emotional week for me. I found out about future chemo treatment, having same day surgery on Monday, went to a funeral for a friend my age, met up with many people I haven't seen in years, and my baby brother gets married. So I've gone through lots of different emotions this week. From fear, anger, disappointment, sorrow, and grief to happiness, pride, and laughter. I woke up this morning and couldn't handle it anymore. I lay in bed with Jason and started to just cry and feel so worthless. Then I called my mom and completely let loose everything I was feeling. I felt like I wasn't contributing or doing anything at all while my husband was working his butt off for me, covering at my job for me while taking care of the girls and his job too. My inlaws and my mom have taken care of the girls so much that I feel so incredibly guilty. And what do I have to show for it? Sometimes I feel physical pain, but mostly I feel the same that I always have. It's just hard to accept.

I was reading in this great book that Shannon got me about breast cancer. It mentions different reactions women go through once they learn they have this disease. There's anger, not remembering anything, denial, detachment, fear, guilt and blame, and sadness and grief. I realized after reading that when I got my diagnosis, I was totally detached from the situation. I registered the fact that I had this disease or situation, but by distancing myself from it, I made sure it was far away enough so it wouldn't hurt me. But by doing THAT, I was making it even harder on myself. It says in there that by being detached, I was allowing myself to think that breast cancer is a minor problem that can be easily fixed. So when I see other people treating me like I'm fragile, I think they're nuts!! So every time I have gone through something, I think it's hurt so much more that I was initially expecting. The shock value with everything has gone up.

I was shocked that the surgery was as painful as it was and that it was so hard to lose my breast. I was wiped out while in the hospital after the dye was injected for the biopsy because it HURT. Before I was detached from everything, but after that, it ripped me away from my private "safe" place and put me in a place where there was enourmous pain, fear, and the unknown. Each step I go to I start out detached and end up smacked into realization that it's NOT as easy as I think it's going to be, it's NOT going to be the least painful solution, and I'm NOT going to breeze through this like it's a walk in the park.

I may look and act like I have it all together, but I don't always do that. There are days that I want to pull the covers over my head and I feel like I'm totally worthless. I panic at every little thing that I need to do even though there's no need. I didn't do my VTing, I haven't been to an Enrichment meeting in a while, are they going to release me? Sometimes a bad part of me wishes I could just fade into the background for a while and not have a calling. Am I going to be fired from my job because I can't show apartments and I'm forgetting to do things?

I do really well most of the time. What I write down here about the bad stuff is just a very minor part of how I'm doing. But sometimes those minor parts just explode in me and I have to find a way to release them or I burst. I don't want people to think I'm nuts or crazy or a wreck or need help all the time because I don't. This blog saves me from having to see a psychologist which is one doctor I definitely don't want to see!!!! I write out how I feel and almost always feel much better afterwards.

But in the end, I don't recommend going to a funeral, a wedding, oncologist, reconstructive surgeon, be in constant pain, all in the same week. It leads to WAY too many upset emotional feelings and I can't afford to go through another week using that much kleenex.