Ramblings of one very tired insomniac

I gotta go to bed. I hate being up this late and I haven't even had any caffiene today!!

Why is it that when I FINALLY start feeling good after a chemo treatment, that my stupid heartburn acts up? I'm not nauseated anymore and look forward to eating. But then heartburn steps in and makes eating miserable! I think my tastebud thing is coming back too. It seems like it takes a solid week before I feel back to myself after a treatment. Then I get this sudden rush and want to start cooking lots of food all the time. I made a chocolate cake that I probably won't be able to taste, got recipes out for future dinners, and made a homemade dinner for the first time in a while. I love to cook even though I struggle with it. I can make a few basic meals but I really enjoy doing them and I'm willing to try new dishes but I'm not very courageous.

I'm rambling again. I tried to go to sleep a little while ago. But as I was curled up on my side, it hurt a little bit. I felt around (I was laying on my right side) and realized that I'm pretty sure my tissue expander has moved. It felt like it has moved down further. I hope I'm wrong though. I'm usually careful about sleeping on that side since it used to hurt so bad. It just felt odd and not right. I would love for just one thing to go right in this experience! I don't think that's asking too much I hope. I didn't need to feel that stupid thing down where I'm not used to it.

I wish I didn't feel so scared and shy all the time. Ever since the surgery, I've really struggled with my job. When someone calls and wants to see an apartment, I put them off till Jason can do it. I feel awkward and shy. It takes forever for me to call and have any work done because I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone. I feel like hiding in my home and not going out till I'm back to normal and look like my old self again. I dread meeting new residents and interacting with them. It's so much worse than it used to be. I'm restless to go out and do things, but anything in close contact with people, and I'm more nervous than ever. I don't understand myself anymore. I went to a stamping party and made two cards. I swear it took me forever to do just one card. I could not get my brain to function. My friend asked me questions about chemo and I could barely answer her because I couldn't seem to form coherent answers. I felt like an idiot. I literally could not talk without pausing and having to think about what I was supposed to say.

I gotta get back to bed. If I don't fall asleep soon, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to depend on drugs to help me sleep. Last thing I need is that. :(