Church was good after all

Last weekend I stayed in bed and didn't really want to go to church. So this Sunday was my first time at church with my head shaved. I was so nervous and scared to go. I fussed forever trying to find a scarf to wear. I haven't gotten the hang of the big 35 inch scarves I just got, so I used a smaller black one with a gold design on it. We sat in the back pew like we usually do and I just wanted to cry I was so nervous. I haven't been out in a public setting like that with people I know except around family. I didn't know how anyone would treat me or if they would ignore me since I looked so different.

So I sat inwardly shaking as more people came in the door. Sister G came in who lost her son to cancer almost two years ago. She put her arm around me and asked how I was doing. I started to cry a little and said I was scared to face everyone with my lack of hair and new "headgear". She gave me a hug and said some very kind words and left me feeling a bit more confident. In fact I have been shy to even mention my cancer around her since she lost her son to it not so long ago. She is a sweet wonderful lady and every time something has been said in church, she would come up and ask questions specifically regarding my doctors, where my care was being done, etc. She was familiar with everything and didn't seem to mind. I was so worried about bringing back bad memories for her and her family that I didn't give myself the benefit of her wisdom of having been there, done that. I just love her and I'm so grateful she was the first person who saw me at church.

The second best thing happened during Sacrament Meeting. There is a young family in our ward with the father being a Portland Police officer and the mom has two young children who are a handful. lol He had to leave and she was left to deal with these two children alone. They sat directly in front of us. She has a little 18 month old daughter named Tyla. Tyla is a petite little white blond headed angel with big eyes. While her mom was busy reading a book to the other child, Tyla would start to wiggle behind their bench and look at me with her big eyes. I would hand her one of our books and she would go back and check it out on their bench. Then she would come back and look at me again. Her mom was struggling with the other little child, and since Tyla was inching her way towards me again, I wanted to catch her before she was out of her mom's reach.

I reached out to Tyla and picked her up and put her on my lap. Tyla immediately starts to hug me really hard. Oh, my gosh!!! That little girl was an answer to prayers. I NEEDED that hug so much. She was just giving me all of her and just loving me. I didn't want to let her go. She put a big smile on my face and I put her back so she could go to her mom. She came back behind the bench a little later and I again pulled her onto my lap. She again starts hugging me. I couldn't handle it any more and started crying right in the middle of church. Just this sweet little angel was hugging me for nothing more than to show her love for me. I was so in need of this and this tiny little girl was just clinging to me. When she went back to her mom, I had to go leave and clean up in the bathroom I was so emotional and crying.

Another thing happened at church. I was sitting in the RS room just before Relief Society started. The RS president came up and told me something wonderful. Now I have been to an ACS meeting and a young woman my age or round abouts was just starting chemo and had chosen to shave her head. She had a scarf on and at the end of the meeting as the presenter tried on a new hat or something on her, she took her scarf off and showed us her head. I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen! Not the model type, but just her bearing and how she held herself with her obviously newly shaved head. You knew she was ill and undergoing treatment, but she looked beautiful! I think it was courage I saw. Because I see that in another lady I meet at chemo each time. This other lady has the most beautiful skin and I could stare at her for a long time with how pretty she is. She's bald and wears knitted hats but you don't see the cancer in her, you see the character. It's like the hair being gone strips it away even though the world may not see this person as beautiful.

Anyways, I'm not sure I'm explaining it well. But when Holly said that, I recognized what she meant, even if I'm not sure I agree 100% with her. (I think we are always the world's worst critic of ourselves) It made me feel good because I had seen that in other women with cancer and facing chemo and I didn't know if I was insane or not. But that wonderful sweet comment helped me stay in Relief Society instead of hiding out on the couch in the foyer.

So I'm glad I went to church today even though I was so scared. I know some don't understand my fear. But I feel like all my femininity has been taken away and I didn't feel pretty in the way the world sees women. My boob was gone and the current replacement was failing. My hair was gone and I was wearing scarves to cover my stubbly head. I needed to feel pretty in a way and the Lord didn't fail me. I'm so grateful for the prayers that got me to go today. I needed it more than they will ever know.