Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed

What a rotten awful emotional crappy day.

I don't know if I could have cried any more than I did today. I swear I'm pmsing or something, but everything bad that could happen hit me and I'm just been crying like no tomorrow. So many things hit me at once in my mind. The hospital bills, doctor bills, chemo bills, and even the prescription bills. $50 for just 3 pills that I have to have every two weeks. That's WITH insurance. I have to have a shot after every chemo treatment and if I didn't have insurance would run me $6000!!!! I don't even look at bills anymore because with insurance or without, we still can't afford it.

I feel so bad. I tried on a hat that a friend sent to me today. My hair is mostly gone but I still have some fuzz on top. So the hat goes on and my fuzz on my head grabs the knit material and I have blueish fuzz stuck on my head. Real attractive and embarrassing.

For some reason, last night I was doing something and came in contact with my right boob. I'm used to feeling the hard feel of the tissue expander and its shape. But it didn't feel the same. It was squishy and felt odd for lack of a better description. So I leave a message for the doctor and I will see her tomorrow at my weekly saline fill appointment. I'm scared to find out if the tissue expander has burst or leaked and it didn't work and all that pain I've gone through is for nothing. I will have to have another surgery to repair it and it will be for naught. I'll get stuck having that awful transflap surgery to fix everything and my right boob will look even uglier than it does now. I looked at it the other day and saw the ugly red scars. Not only do I have an upside down T scar where my boob used to be that is bulging with the tissue expander, I have a nice 3-4 inch scar just below my arm pit where they did the lymph node dissection. I look hideous!!! Add that to my lovely looking black peach fuzz shaved head, left huge boob, braces, and I'm a candidate for Miss America. No wonder I wanted to stay asleep all weekend and not get out of bed. I look like a damn freak.