The lightbult went on --very long

I was writing in response to a thread on one of my internet boards that I belong to when a lightbulb finally went off.

She was writing about how she was having surgery so she wouldn't have any more kids. Through the course of reading her thread and then posting on it, it hit me why things have worked out for us the way they have. This is extremely personal and I dont' think I've ever really written out all the reasons why we stopped having kids and I'm not sure I can explain it right.

Jason and I waited to have kids when we got married. We wanted to just be the two of us and get to know each other a little while before we became parents. I wanted to be selfish and do spontaneous things and I didn't want to have kids just because I was married and it was expected of me. So we waited and when it seemed right for us, I got off the pill and we proceeded to try for a baby. I was off the pill for two months when we found out we were pregnant with Chloe. It was very easy for me to get pregnant. But I also was suffering from anxiety and depression and it was really hard for me after I had the baby. I had the baby blues and honestly I was very unhappy about my first birth experience. It wasn't what I had hoped for and I never thought I would have to have a csection. No one in my family had to have one and I thought I had failed. I didn't measure up as a woman because I had "cheated" and had surgery to have my baby. Forget the fact that the cord was wrapped around Chloe's neck and her heartrate was going down every time I had a contraction. Forget that I was in labor for hours and hours with hardly any change. In my mind I was still feeling guilty because I didn't experience what every other mother in my family had done.

So fast forward to wanting to have another child. We tried for one month and got pregnant. I couldn't believe how lucky I was that it so easy for me to get pregnant. I had my doctor that I wanted and I told her I wanted to try for a VBAC. But because of malpractice laws, she would not be allowed to be my doctor during my pregnancy. I would have to see a surgeon who would monitor me to make sure I was okay and could do the VBAC. Now I love my doctor. I finally had a doctor that I trusted completely and once I find someone I trust, it stick with them and I bond with them and she was practically family. Also, I was scared that I would end up having to have a csection anyways and what was the point of trying. Jason was worried about me and I didn't know enough to make the decision that I could really do a VBAC. So I caved and kept my doctor that I loved and saw a surgeon now and then so that I could schedule my csection around her schedule. That was another guilt. That I was planning a csection instead trying for a VBAC. I hear of so many women who are strong and can do this but I was weak and didn't even try.

It turns out that during my pregnancy towards the end, the baby was laying transverse and that she would have to be born via a csection anyways. I didn't have a choice in the matter. My baby would not have been able to be born any other way. So I accepted that and little Lindsey was born in November and she was beautiful and very healthy.

My mental health hadn't improved much. I still suffered from mental anxiety and depression. I was in a job that made me extremely unhappy and made me believe it to be worse than it actually was. Add that to having two toddlers, one of which screamed constantly and never could seem to settle down. The other was having issues with not being the center of attention anymore. It was more than I could handle. I called dh at work one day in tears and agreed for him to have his procedure so that we wouldn't have any more kids. Jason didn't want any more than two and I was not 100% positive yet. Until then. We prayed and thought about it and visited our bishop and the temple. We made our choice and didn't tell a lot of people. I felt so much guilt because here I am stopping having kids at two when I could so easily get pregnant. So many other women struggle and struggle and can only have one! My bestest buddy has tried for over 10 years to have one baby and here I am and all dh has to do is look at me and I get pregnant and I'm stopping at two.

That has bothered me for years and I haven't really felt so happy. I long to hold a newborn in my arms and smell that baby smell and nurse them and rock them and hold a brand new baby in my arms. It hurts to hear about someone on my board getting pregnant and I often don't comment or say congratulations because I'm so jealous and hurt even though I'm so happy for them. I never did understand completely if we were doing the right thing. But for us at the time it was right and I hope the Lord knows me better than I can understand me. I want to be a great mother to the two babies I have now and I don't think I could be that great a mother to more than that.

So here I sit now with breast cancer. I have one boob gone, I'm going through chemo, will have another surgery in September, radiation, and then have another major surgery next spring. My children are almost 5 and 2 1/2 years old. The chemo is killing a lot of the good cells in my body while destroying the bad cells and seems to have put me in a state where I can't have my monthly periods. I'm sick half the time and the other half I'm not keeping house very well, or being the best parent I can while all this is going on. And that's just with two children.

Here's the lightbulb going on.
I can't imagine being a mother to any more children while this is going on. If I did decide to have another child after Lindsey, I'd have gotten pregnant around the time she was 18 months old. That would have been a year ago. I found the lump in my breast in March 2006 when the baby would have been born possibly. I would be going through all this with a newborn. I would not be able to nurse my child or take care of them. Can you see that? Three children under the age of 5 and me with breast cancer. I don't know how I'm doing it now with two.

But maybe the Lord knew me well enough to know that back in the spring of 2004 when we were deciding to be done having children that it was what we were supposed to do. He knew what would happen to me in the spring of 2006 and that with my mental health and our situation, that I couldn't not handle having a newborn with all that was going to happen. This is such a new idea to me that I'm totally in shock. I never knew why it was time to stop having kids when we did, and I never got a voice that said "Thou art done!" or anything like that. Jason and I decided after prayer, going to the temple, and much thought that it was time. We knew that if anything changed, we could be foster parents down the road. But my body was done because it had a battle ahead that we never knew would come to pass. I would need all my physical strength and mental health to deal with this.

I could be totally offbase but I don't think I am. I'm not one to have dreams knowing that a child is missing from our table or have really strong spiritual moments. It's through trial, faith, and trust that my life has come this way. I don't think the Holy Ghost whispers to me more than he presents challenges or situations that I need to learn from and that's how I get my answers.