Guess what? It's cancer!!

From my first blog, this was the very first sign that something was wrong:

Sunday, March 12, 2006

So I am much more humble this week
I don't like to speak in church unless I feel really good about the topic I'm speaking on. Plus the fact that I have enough cohesive material to go with it. My talk today is on humility and I had a week's notice. It's been buzzing in my head all week to do this talk and I pulled some info out earlier to get together. But it was late last night that I finally wrote everything out and put it in a talk format. The topic is on humility and so many things in the past week have spoken about it to me. Bishop spoke in his testimony on humility, the FHE lesson on email this week was on humility, and then the big fun experience this week for me on it.

I was taking a shower the other afternoon and found a lump in my breast. I was fiddling with a zit I saw and felt lower down and something seemed different than the rest of the tissue in my breast. I wasn't too concerned at first since our family has no history of it and I just seem to young to have anything wrong. I thought breast cancer or problems like that happened to older women, not to someone who will turn 33 in less than a month. So I ask if I should go to the doctor and everyone says yes, even if it's just for peace of mind. Well, I go and the doctor finds the same lump. I'm not just imagining things, something really is there and needs to be checked out. I panicked inside when I heard I needed a mammagram, but since it wasn't scheduled for later that day, I figured if I had to wait 10 days for it that it's not that bad. My other breast has problems of its own and has to have some tests on it. My stupid boob leaks milk every now and again and they are concerned about that.So before Friday, I was fine. Going about like nothing could happen. But something simple like a possible health scare has me really looking at my life. I can't imagine leaving my babies at all. I want to cling to them and hold them tight. I want things to be better with Jason. They aren't bad, but they aren't great. Not a lot of affection and I really could use that. I would have liked to be held or at least my hand held or told that I was loved and really meant it on Friday after getting the news. It may be nothing or something, but it's MY breasts and it scares me though I try not to think about it.My personal lesson on humility is to not take so long to do what the Lord wants you to do. Be prepared for anything and be willing to do as He asks. It won't be always what I want, but what He wants. I need to have a better attitude when things don't go my way.

I wrote on another blog that I felt a lump. That was March 10th. Since then, I've been to see a doctor that recommended me for a mammagram and ultrasound. Those came back suspicious or something that made my doctor recommend me to see a surgeon. He decided by looking on my films that I need a biopsy. It's called a core biopsy. He did it right in the office and took 6 samples of the tissue. That was on March 29th. Today is April 4th, the day I was supposed to get the results. He had time yesterday, and got me in then instead. He got the results himself on Friday but didn't want to tell me on the phone and worry over the weekend. So he got me in as soon as he could. Jason came with me since he was on vacation.

I was so assured that it was nothing. I felt like it was more of a nuisance and I wanted to hurry, cut it out, and be done. So when he asked me if I knew what ductal carcinoma was, my mind went into this whole other mode. I caught CARCINOMA and knew that meant cancer but I didn't want to say it out loud. My doctor explained everything out but I was so overwhelmed with the thoughts of it not being what I "knew" it was going to be that I missed a lot. I was literally in shock and not catching that things were as serious as they were. I was thinking the whole time, "He's not supposed to say that!!". Cancer doesn't happen to me! There's no history of it in my family. Then it gets worse by saying I could lose my breast. Then the meds will put me into premenopause. It gets better all the time! First I could lose my breast, then gain a new one, then meds to put me into menopause, then radiation therapy. It all ran together in my mind. The doctor wrote it out for me in a diagram, but still I'm just nodding and saying okay while mentally and emotionally I'm thrown for a loop. Jason is extremely upset because he doesn't understand. I know a bit more because I've been doing research, but still that's a lot to take in.