Feeling so much better

After my little blowup the other day, I find that I'm actually feeling a lot better. I slept for the first time all night without waking up in a panic or being unable to fall asleep after a potty break. I still think of all this every minute of every day, but not the panic kind of thinking or desperation feelings any more. My sister bought me a book on breast cancer at B&N and I've been looking through it for more information. It's so true that the more you know, the better you feel. You have more control, you know what to expect, etc. Before I was terrified of the pain, my disfigurement, everything. I'm still worried, but not terrified anymore. When I was growing up, my best friend's mom was a great lady. Now I'm learning more about breast cancer from her since she had a mastectomy a couple of years ago. She went through chemo, radiation, all of that great stuff. So she's given me advice through conversations with my mom that's been helpful. I need to contact her directly and ask lots more questions.

I met with Dr. Matthew Braun, my oncologist today. The cancer center in Vancouver was great. All the treatments happen here for both chemo and radiation. All the chairs in the waiting room were comfortable, lots of good things to read, and it was homey! So comforting. It has a great calming effect on you when you step through the doors. But my meeting with Dr. Braun was in a way, a waste for me. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and he even said that he doesn't usually meet with patients before surgery, just after to help with meds and treatments. But my surgeon, Dr. Kilway wanted me to have all my questions answered and get all the options discussed. Dr. Braun discussed things with me that I knew, but he made them more clear.He also told me (I gave permission) that at the tumor board yesterday morning, they discussed my case. There is a group of like maybe 10 people in various positions that get together and discuss individual cases. Mine was discussed because my surgeon Dr. Kilway wanted to make sure he got others opinions and get a consensus on my case. I was already leaning towards a mastectomy and they just comfirmed that that is what they would do too.

Did I say that I adore my surgeon? He's been so wonderful to me. I see him on Monday to get all the final details down and get things ready for Thursday. I've decided to go with the reconstruction immediately following the sentinel node biopsy and mastectomy. So shortly after all the cutting, the reconstructive surgeon will insert a breast "shell" and start the process of giving me a new boob. I always said I wanted smaller boobs, I just didn't think I was going to do it this way.Cool thing is, when my breast shell is filled to where we want it, the shell comes out and the permanent saline implant gets put in. I will have a smaller boob and because of medical laws, the insurance will pay for my other boob to be done too! I'm being given the right by law, to have equal symmetry in my chest and so my left boob will be done at that time. So I'm not going to be 44DDD any more, I'm going to be hopefully, down to a 38C or D. Depends on what looks best for my weight and size. This second surgery will take place 6 months after the initial surgery to give time for the tissue to expand and be able to take having a permanent boob. For immediately after the surgery, I will get a cheap prothesis to keep me looking halfway normal.

I'm feeling more realistic than I was before. Not so happy and cheerful, but better. I know, really KNOW the risks, the operation, what I will look like, and I'm past the grief and crying part. There will still be more pain and crying, but the initial stage of grief is over. I was in such a fantasy world before and I'm glad I'm back down to earth and know what to expect. I'm so glad I've researched this and studied and read and saw pictures. I'm scared but not terrified anymore. Thank goodness!!!