I lied, I'm really scared after all

Going to the reconstructive surgeon scared me. Badly. Before it was a fantasy. Go in, chop a boob off, get a new one, go home, and that's it. But it's not so easy. The implant won't be done that day, in fact it will barely be started. I'll look like a lopsided FREAK. Huge on one side, nothing on the other for like 6 months give or take. I SAW the pictures of post mastectomy patients before and after reconstructive surgery. It looks horrible!!!! They look like FREAKS!!!! I didn't think about it, but I won't have a nipple or areola! Just a big blob of nothing. I seriously lost it at the end of the appointment. Just started bawling and out in the parking lot was bad too.

This is going to seriously HURT!!!! I won't be able to move my arm or anything. How am I supposed to take a stinking shower? How will my dh be able to look at me and change my dressings? Who's gonna do that? He says he loves me no matter what. Well, he didn't see the pictures. And don't give me garbage about how it doesn't matter. B.S., it does to me! My dd is already worried about me. I didn't want to lie to her, so I let her know that I had an owie on my boob which she has seen, and the doctors will take care of it next week. She barely let me go to go to this last appointment. She clung to me and said she would miss me. Lindsey took a toy from her and she got nearly hysterical. I let her preschool teacher know what's going on in case she acts different in school. I reassure Chloe all the time that I'm fine, etc. I was til that appointment.

Stupid things are going through my mind. My dang period is due right around surgery. Great. How am I going to get tampons on? Can I make my period not happen? I can't deal with it right now. This sounds incredibly painful and I'm SCARED, SCARED, SCARED!!!!! I want to take my boob and lump and just let it be and run far far away. I don't want to go through this. I'm going to be 33 years old and a FREAK!!!! I'm not supposed to get breast cancer this young!!! There is no family history or anything. Nothing on either side. How the heck did I get this stupid disease? I don't want to hurt!!!!! I'm up at almost 3 in the morning because I'm so scared and can't sleep and sick to my stomach with worries and everything. I can't do this! My mom wants to know when I want to celebrate my birthday. Hmmm, don't really give a crap Mom! Kind of hard to celebrate right now what with someone cutting my breast off NEXT WEEK!!!! Yep, happy birthday to me.

How am I going to do this????? Every minute of every day is worry worry worry. I have a full week of this. No sleep, making myself sick, and no offense, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED!!!! I've never been in this situation!! How the freak am I supposed to know what I want or need????? Just stop looking at me with pity and do something!!! My sister who I don't get along with is all acting nice with me. STOP IT!!!! I want to be held and rocked to sleep like a child and be told it's all going away and that things will be fine. But you know what? It's not okay, it's not fine, I don't know anything on how it will turn out. No reassurances, nothing. How do you prepare for such a big thing in your life?