Random thoughts and whines

I got home from the hospital and I rode all the way from Vancouver with my new favorite stuffed animal. I bought a mushy squishy stuffed chenille frog at Walmart for like $14. Best money I spent last week. I cushioned that under my seatbelt where it crossed my boobs and it was just perfect. There's a story about my Froggie.

I needed a comfort item in the hospital because I knew dh and my girls wouldn't be there in the night and I was honestly scared of everything going on. So my mom and I were shopping at Walmart and found this bin of stuffed soft animals. I had seen it before but had trouble finding it again. But anyways, I zeroed in on the green frog and left the flourescent pink poodle and yellow nasty animal behind. It was perfect without being too froo froo and embarrassing.

So I wake up from surgery and my hand is touching something really soft. I couldn't get a grip and it startled me awake. I managed to pick it up and realized Froggie was there. So I went back to sleep and all was good. When I was awake the next day, I was chatting with my new nurse Kelly. She had seen the picture of the girls and commented on how nice it was that they parted with their sweet stuffed frog for Mommy in the hospital. She asked who gave it up, and I had to mutter, "it's mine!" before Jason embarrassed me by laughing his head off. He did anyways and so did the nurse.

It's been okay at home. Still struggling with knowing my limits and what's okay to do and let people do for me. I just get this image or thought in my mind that I should do all these things because it's expected of me. It's so incredibly hard to let go and let someone else do things. To take a nap and not feel guilty. I feel bad that Jason is being stuck with the girls and so I may not sleep as long so I can stay up or I help out with them when he is struggling or answer an apartment question or whatever comes up. I know in one part that it's okay to rest and relax, but it's another thing entirely to DO IT.

Mom has so much on her plate. She is busy with John's wedding, with Nanny helping her out, with Shannon and her needs, and everyone else. So I wanted to spare her and only "use" her when I needed it. In doing so, I think I really hurt her. I didn't mean to, I just knew she had lots going on. I need to see from her angle that I'm her little girl and when your child is sick, you as a mother want to take over and make things better. I know that I would for my girls. So in a way, I think she needs to be needed and I wasn't doing that for her. So she did a wonderful thing. She brought an awesome meal over on Saturday and just yesterday, she came over and washed my hair!! I was able to lean over the sink and she washed and combed out my hair. A simple task, but I felt a 1000 times better when it was over. I have to let my Mommy be a mommy and be a kid and just be loved without feeling like I have to reciprocate. It was the best feeling to have this done for me. I thought I was being selfish by wanting it but in a way, it really wasn't. Did I say I love my Mommy? She is always willing to come to my doctor visits and drives from Vancouver and would just bring me a Pepsi if I needed it. I love her to death!!!!

Today wasn't an easy day. I was contacted by the American Cancer Society, ACS for their Reach to Recovery program. They set you up with someone who has gone through nearly the same experience you have and is done with treatment and is a mentor for you. They are struggling to find someone who has the same age as me and the same treatment though. That hit me hard today. All the emotional stuff. I just cried and was a wuss today. I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep and sleep and ignore the pains in my side and chest. I did a dumb thing in retrospect. I took a pain pill when I just wanted to sleep. Didn't put me to sleep, just depressed me. I need to make sure I stay out of that habit of wanting that. It would be soooo easy to just take a narcotic and make all the pain go away and go to sleep. I may talk about it, but I'm so super paranoid that I don't always take my drugs for fear that I fall in that trap and feel even more pain.

I couldn't get a hold of my mom, so I called my mil. I had gotten some cards in the mail. Two were from people at their church. At one time my inlaws were extremely against my church. But things are much much better. I know many of the members of their congregation and consider them very good people. I had been put in their church bulletin asking them to pray for me. Well, I got a card from the church secretary that I know and someone who signed it "Friends from the Tremont", which is part of the name of their congregation. I have a sneaking suspicion it's from my fil, but I don't know for sure. So I called to ask my mil to tell them thank you. She has lots going on too, her dd is just out of jail on some charges and their relationship is awful. My niece and nephew have had to move in with my inlaws and so forth. But she talked on the phone with me for 17 minutes and helped calm me down. We aren't emotional with each other, but she gave me good advice and said whatever we need, just call, their schedule is open. Our relationship has just grown tremendously this last month. I'm very grateful for that. In 10 years of knowing my mother in law, she has only hugged me ONE TIME??? But the Wednesday night before I had my surgery, they came over and played cards. She gave me another hug. I'll probably never forget it.

So even though this was a tough day, in many ways it was good. It's such a rotten roller coaster to be on. It's like riding on one blind. You NEVER know which way you're going, how fast, what's in front of you, or how long the ride is. I just hope I hang on long enough to be able to get off and say I'm done and be done with it all.

P.S. Oh yeah, take my advice. Don't look in the mirror at yourself after having a less than week old mastectomy. You might see that your compression bandage has slipped and while adjusting it you will see what's left and be completely weirded out and want to barf. Just so you know.