I made it through church
Does it ever feel like you are the center of attention wherever you go? I know it feels that way when you are pregnant and due soon. I went to church today after changing my outfit at least 7-8 times trying to find something that doesn't put a target on my chest announcing that I lost a boob or a shirt that is camoflaging it either. Make sense? I ended up with a black tshirt and nice skirt (that covered my lovely fanny pack with drains) so I think I compromised all things considered. Now that dressing was done with, I had to actually...go...to church. The bishop had asked me earlier in the week to kind of explain written down what was going on with me. He was going to ask the ward to do a special fast for me on Fast Sunday. I felt truly humbled and embarrassed and squirmy all at the same time. I don't like being in the spotlight and it was hard to describe everything that was happening. I did my best and it went well. I was really worried he was going to ask me to come on down and stand up there with him but he didn't. He gave a quick recap of what I had written to him and I tried not to bawl the whole time he was talking. I did notice that every eye in the place turned and stared at me though. I think our bishop is great, I really do appreciate and love all that he has done for me and my family. Still felt squirmy though sitting there having the ward focus on me. I'll have to get back at him somehow. hee, hee, hee!!!
Church went well all things considered. Chloe had a really rough time getting ready and dragged her heels leaving for church. I let her take my Froggie with her to comfort her and that helped. It actually came in handy later because those seats in church aren't padded and it was hard to sit there and not rest my arm on something. So Froggie sat tucked under my right arm and supported it during SS and RS. I did admit to him being mine and not the girls's. Not willingly though.
I'm really nervouse about tomorrow. Nothing too terribly exciting is going on. But Jason is leaving me and I will be back in charge of the girls and the apartments tomorrow. Jason is looking forward to being back at work and I'm missing him terribly. He's already got his mind in work mode and becoming a bit distant with me. After being home with the girls this long, I'd be so anxious to get back too. Hurts my feelings though. I've leaned on him so much for support and love and just general being taken care of and that will be gone. I'm scared of getting bumped or hurt or not being able to accomplish a task that I need to.
It's like the feeling I got after I had Chloe. She was a brand new baby, I was recovering from a csection and dh was going back to work and leaving me alone with her. I didn't know what to do with her and I was scared of doing the wrong thing or the right thing or anything! It's how I feel now almost exactly. Like I'm scared of being alone and in charge.
I have lots of people asking me what they can do for me and right now it's nothing. I am feeling better every day and the only thing I crave is being able to take a nap. How do you ask someone to come over and watch the girls so I can sleep? There's no reason for it whatsoever. But I just long to sleep and not feel guilty or self conscious or bad because of it. I feel that way now and it's hard to get out of that mindset. I just had surgery on the 13th, I should be taking it easy! But your mind doesn't always see that. Resting seems lazy to me or not taking on the responsibilities that I should be.
So anyways, long story short. Church was good but uncomfortable, I was able to hand out all my thank you notes, and I'm scared for the coming week. I wish I had something to look forward to this week other than doctor visits. Isn't that sad?
4 comments:
You asked how one asks for help? "Actually, could you maybe come watch the girls/take the girls to your house for a couple hours so I can get some rest? That would be so helpful." :) I'm telling you, people would be MORE than happy to do that if they knew that's what would really help. And having been a 2-time c/s mom myself, it's ok to get some help and rest! If anything, I'd expect you to need way more help/rest w/this kind of surgery than a c/s. You still have a road ahead of you with treatments and such. So the next time someone asks what you need, tell them. I'd even go so far as to actually line up a babysitter a couple hours every day for the next little while. And even if you're not necessarily sleeping, you could also get some apartment stuff done w/out the interruptions and stress of taking care of the girls. Plus, I bet the girls would enjoy some of the extra attention ward members would be willing to give them. :)
If you could just ask your VTers they could do a sign up for meals and/or babysitting. If you are comfortable with it, you could have a YW make the arrangements as her YW project. You could also get the YW to come clean your house as an activity. There are MANY avenues available to you (if you ask).
Good luck to you! You are still in my prayers!
that is not too much to ask...actually it's such a small thing ppl would be more than willing, or sould be more than willing to do it for you!!! if i lived closer i'd do it for you!!!
(((HUGS)))
I'm trying to keep track of who's asking if they can help. Then when I really need it when the other treatment starts, I can bug them then. Right now it just seems selfish when I seem okay. I had a lady come to my house to see if she could help me out. I felt so weird about that! I had to go pick up Chloe so she left, but it's hard to admit what you really want and need.
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