One week after surgery

I am physically in more pain right now than I have been all week. Part from shock and the other part just pure pain. Emotionally, I'm completely out of reserves. I weep at every phone call and cry buckets just thinking of how much pain I'm in.

Today we went to the reconstructive surgeon, Dr. Cynthia Gray. Jason had told me she would be putting saline into the tissue expander. I didn't really catch this til last night or today. She never told me this is why she was seeing me this week when we talked in the hospital. I thought she was just going to do a check up on me and see how the wounds were healing.

She checked everything out, the wounds, the drains, everything. It all looked great. Then she tells me it's time to put the saline in. So she marks on my newly deformed chest where she needs to do it. I don't feel a thing with her and her marking pen. She feels around for where she needs to put the needle. That felt like a lot of pressure. I didn't feel the needle go in til it hit the muscle. Then it was quick and then she lets the saline in with a gigantic syringe thingy.

Imagine being a bare week out of surgery. You hurt all the time though you know it's healing. With this tender flesh healing, someone sticks you and shoots saline into your tissue expander that's in your deformed breast and pumps it up with like 125cc of saline. Your boob looks even more deformed, it hurts like hell from the pressure, and the doctor says this will be a weekly routine til it's the size we want it. Right now I don't care if I'm flat as a board, I don't want to EVER go through that again. I told her before we started, please don't hurt me. She hurt me and hurt me badly. Mostly because I was shocked and didn't know it would feel like that and plus I wasn't really expecting it. So it took me by surprise and I was just shot.

I'm bawling every time someone calls to talk to me. I called my mom when I woke up from my drug-induced nap just to say, "Mommy, I'm hurting!!!" and I bawled. I bawled when the RS councelor asked how I was, when my sister called to say hi, etc. I couldn't even talk to my older brother on the phone because I had just finished my appointment and was still in pain and shock and was afraid I'd lose it on the phone. I was still fighting for control then and couldn't deal with talking to him. I hope he's not upset.

People say I'm being brave and strong and courageous. No, I'm not. I'm so scared and crying and mad and upset and wimpy. I want my mommy to make this better. I want to scream and hit and yell til I'm hoarse and hurt something til I don't hurt anymore. I'm definitely not a strong person at all. I'm crying because my best friend goes back to work on Monday and I'm going to miss him like crazy. I'm not brave at all. I want someone to be with me all the time because I'm so scared of doing anything by myself. Yet I want to be alone because I feel so ugly and tired and want to sleep. I don't understand myself anymore. I thought I did. But this whole experience has changed me upside down.

There have been great things happening and I have to focus on that. My inlaws have stepped up to the plate and been wonderful. They let their church know what's going on and people from their congregation that have no clue who I am, send me cards in the mail! My mil's birthday group all signed a card and sent it to me. Our names were in their bulletin. I love looking in the mailbox and that's selfish, but it's the best part of my day to see that someone was thinking of me. All my cards are up on the cupboards in my kitchen so I can see them all the time. Such a little thing, but you have no idea how important and helpful it is to know that you are cared about.

I'm just a mess tonight. I'm on several boards but can't seem to comment on anything other than my own problems. I read a lot but I'm so far gone that I can't see anything but me and situation. So sorry to those that I've ignored. I've read but not commented. For that matter, I'm shocked by anyone who reads this. I do this for my own benefit so I don't talk too much to my friends and family and bore them or lean too hard on them. I'm not good on the phone, so writing things out are better for me. So thank you to everyone who has been supporting me and listening to me so far. I feel so all alone and lost and wimpy and crying and to know people think good things for me is heartening and great. I just can't see it just this very second, I'm hurting so bad emotionally.